Day 28: Rough Patch

I’m not sure who is still reading this blog. My views have gone down tremendously, and I don’t blame people for getting bored with it. I haven’t really been doing anything very interesting since the second week Mike left, but that is reality. I am not going to be doing something amazing every single day. There will be days, maybe even weeks sometimes where I don’t do anything that is worth writing about. I have been staying up until the wee hours of the night and sleeping until 12. My sleep schedule is a mess, the house isn’t as clean as I would like it to be, and life seems to be a mess to match everything else. I used our wedding photo as the feature photo today because it is a reminder of a day when time stood still, when things were not a mess, and everything was great.

How has life been a mess you may ask? Well, when your spouse is away and doesn’t have much time to get on the computer, or the internet is down… it gets hard to communicate. How does a marriage work without communication? It doesn’t. Especially not for a person whose Love Language is Words of Affirmation. When you add into the mix that your spouse’s Love Language is Physical Touch, you just get a big ass mess! Neither of us is able to show our love for each other in the way we feel loved very much when he is gone. Sometimes this blows up in our faces. This happened a few days ago. We just weren’t on the same wavelength and things got a little messy. Although there is no way for me to love Mike in his love language while he is gone, there are ways we can still love in mine. So I took it upon myself to figure out how we could do that. I found a list of questions to ask your spouse while they are deployed. It is a list of 20 questions that stem from, “What is your favorite part of life right now?” to “What are your biggest hopes and dreams?”. I have been asking one question a day and both of us give our answers. Sometimes, our answers do not line up and we argue about them. This is what has happened over the last few days. We have argued. Some things were said that really hurt my feelings, even though they weren’t intended to. It hasn’t all been bad though, because some of the responses have been eye-opening. I didn’t realize until recently that I have made a little family here in Spain. Although Mike and I do not have children yet, we have Reagan, we have Javier and wife and children, we have our twin couple Ashley and Travis now, we have some of his friends from the ship. We have so many people that we love and care about here. We may not be with our blood family, but the people we enjoy spending time with here, they have become our family away from family. It is nice to know that when we leave here, we will have ties to people who will be all over the world. I just hope we all stay in contact throughout wherever life takes us all.

Another thing that has been running through my mind lately because of these questions, the arguments, and the fact that he is gone is that we have to really cherish every moment together. I keep reading this quote, “If it won’t matter in 5 years, don’t spend 5 minutes angry about it.” This has been on my mind so much. We have spent almost 3 years here arguing with each other over the smallest things, trying to figure out how to live with another person that we don’t see for more than 4 months together. In June we will have been married for 3 years now, in those 3 years we have only been together for 6 months straight together at a time. I am not sure if you all will ever be able to understand what that does to a marriage. We have never really gotten to be a married couple. We are more like two friends who visit every once in a while. It is devastating. Mike comes home and we have to learn how to live together all over again, we get into a groove, and then he leaves again. Communication is hard to come by, he comes home again, and the circle continues for 3 years. We are about to spend the last 3 months we have in Spain together, and I am so excited. Most of our arguing comes from my lack of forgiving things that have happened in the past. I say I have forgiven him, and then he makes me angry and I just bring them all up again. This is not healthy, it is not ok, and it is unfair to Mike. While he has been gone, I have been doing so much self-evaluation. I have come to a realization that I need to stop being so angry all of the time and just enjoy the time I have with my husband. I need to stop sweating the little things and just apologize and move on instead of ruining entire days.

I am happy to say that the questions have been bringing us closer, and giving us a deeper understanding of each other. I feel as if this will make the transition of him coming home a lot easier, and it makes me very excited. There is also the excitement that I don’t have to worry about suffocating my husband and spending every last minute with him while he is in port because there will be no more leaving! I won’t have a timeline of only 4 months to squeeze in all the things I want to do with him before he leaves again. All of these things are going to be just that soon… things. They will just be things of the past. Things that we have gotten through together, things that we struggled through. This has all been a struggle for us, but guess what? We can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and if we can get through this, we can get through anything.

So all I am trying to say with this blog post is, cherish every moment, every laugh, even every tear that you get with the one that you love. Time is a fleeting thing, and we should never waste it arguing when we never know what the next minute in life may hold. I vow to hold my tongue, and take deep breaths, and stop being the little bitch that I have not been able to control for the past 3 years. I hope anyone reading this is compelled to find some things that they could work on about themselves and do it. If there is no spouse or girlfriend, just do it for yourself.

That is all I have for today guys. Hasta luego my friends! Until tomorrow!

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